Coming of age
by caracol
Summary: Companion piece to "A rite of passage" from EPOV: A story of self discovery and loss of innocence, through love, sex and friendship. Must be read after or concurrently. Very OOC. All very human.
1. 3

_**As promised here is my companion piece to "A rite of passage" from Edward's point of view.**_

_**For this to make any sense you need to read that first, or read them simultaneously. From here on, I will mention which chapter if goes with to make them easier to understand.**_

_**The EPOV's won't be the whole story just rewritten from his perspective, since that would make it tedious for you and for me. Instead they are going to be his thoughts during key moments of the story and scenes that were not in BPOV, whether because she wasn't present or because they are more meaningful to Edward.**_

_**And also, these will be shorter. **_

_**Enjoy!**_

_**Caracol**_

_**------**_

_**To be read alongside**__** Chapter 3**_

'I much rather get it over with' She said.

I thought about it as I brushed my teeth in the bathroom.

Bella was an acquired taste. You had to be able to expect a long a winding path to lead you where her mind was. Many would give up on the journey, but I totally enjoyed it. You could not get bored.

Her stories were so intricate. Like the one she had used to make her point: her rendition of our future love lives. She always thinks she is so clever, but the picture she painted was predictable. Of course, I would get the cookie-cutter future, and she would wrinkle her nose and look down to it for being mainstream. But I could see through that:

The slight disappointment of knowing she was banned from it.

How would you interpret it? I would always get the more successful, pathetic in her words, but socially accepted future when hers would be the tragic, yet creatively rich, but still lonely future. Could she not see that?

But even if her stories had me being the less creative but happier one, they fascinated me. Like having my own personal Scheherazade. A never-ending story time. She'll make a good writer one day.

I normally don't think things over this much: that's Bella's department. But she laid a heavy one on me. I could see where she was going a mile before she expected me to, but oh!, isn't always the journey with her so much more rewarding?

She seems to think that she's the propeller of this friendship. It's fine with me if she wants to think so. She has just as much influence of me as I have of her.

But did she actually believe that I was the most prudish teenager she knows? This should hurt my ego. I'm a warm-blooded male, as anyone else, as Emmett for example. And I'm real and flawed too. A little bit on the inexperienced side, true, but when I may not have gone to the World Series, I've certainly been playing ball.

And I've certainly been noticing that she is part of the fairer sex. You would definitely notice it when you share a bed. I'm not proud of me, but I'm just human. One day I discovered with horror that my best 'mate' was rounder and softer... And smelled damn good too!

I don't lust for her... I don't have a crush on her... She's still my best friend… But yet, she is a woman. And I'm a man.

I've always known that we couldn't stay this way forever. I know one day she'll have a life and a partner and kids. I probably will as well. And as sad as that may be, it's just the way life is. I'll still love her but we won't have the same bond we have now.

I know she's terrified of change. Wouldn't you if you had to experience what is like to have your world crumble in a second, and then be forced to rebuild it? I made it my task to help her out of her hell, not just because of my guilt (survivor's guilt) but because she is a necessary part of my own universe.

And so, today she showed her hand.

And it was sweet and sad and hilarious, as she normally is.

I know what brought this up. Everyone around us is growing up and we're the only ones clutching to dear life to our childhood. So her solution is both courageous and cowardly. Like being afraid of dying and killing yourself instead.

And yet, it makes sense to me.

She's also my safe bet.

It is with her, and only with her, that I'm willing to face the unknown.

Here I go.

I leave our shared bathroom and enter her room.

Lights are out and I'm not brave enough to turn them on.

I find her on her bed and I sit facing her. I know what we're doing here, and I know it's my time to take the lead. She opened her heart and her fears, and offered herself to me, it's only fair that I make this the easiest possible for her.

As I start recognizing her with my hands I find out that her body seems so familiar, and it makes me calmer. And yet, she's so soft, so much softer than I expected.

I slowly unwrap this arcane gift given to me and I discover that not only is this exploration what makes my blood boil, but what I can make her body do, that I can make it work. I'm fascinated and in awe of what my finger can do just by gently brushing her tender nipples. Her breathing, her gasps, are the sweetest sounds I've known. And they make me firm.

I've had enough of this. I want to know what other beautiful sounds I can get of this exquisite instrument. I take her top off and I touch her directly, and she takes my breath away when she arches and tenses. How something so delicate can be at the same time so strong?

There, the most generous and unconditional offer. And I promptly and gratefully take it. I hold her firmly as I taste her wonders, the proverbial land of milk and honey.

Before long we're both bare. No place to hide. Nowhere to go but to her. I know what I'm about to do. My sanity trembles.

And then she brings me back with her humor.

I know what she's trying to do.

I know she's nervous.

And as usual through her witticism she just blurts out what she fears and what she wants. She wants me to distract her and make this swift. And so I do, instinctively and surprising myself, I shut her up with my own mouth.

And as I kissed her I entered her. I'm decisive and I want it to be as painless as it can be, but I know I'm hurting her.

I've broken her seal.

And as she stops breathing and tenses and I feel like an ass, and I panic.

She amazes me once more. She's the calmer one and I know, she's always stronger than me.

I kiss her now again, with care and very slowly.

I surrender. My mind is drifting, there are no more conscious decision, but the natural and imperative movements of her body and mine. We are in perfect rhythm. From all the time we've been playing together, for the first time we are in perfect synchronicity.

The tempo is just right.

The moonlight hits her face: her eyes are closed and I see, her beautiful face so humble an honest.

And soon it was done.

I came home. And she was there to greet me.


	2. 7

_**To be read alongside chapter 7**_

_**-----**_

I was at Sean Lake's party talking with my brother and Jasper when our host came to greet us.

As he spoke I thought that how much Bella and I disliked him, we could see though the pedestrian tactics that worked like a charm in so many naïve girls at school.

Emmett seemed to tolerate him much more than I did. As the two of them talked I came to an odd realization: This guy indirectly got me laid.

That was a very weird thought. But it was true. I grinned thinking that then that I had sub estimated him. His talent for making teenage sex happen is far better than I had given him credit for.

I didn't know if I should be disgusted or thankful. It had been because of creeps like him that Bella had proposed our little experiment after all. It had actually been seeing this guy take advantage of some girl what had prompted that fateful conversation.

"So Edward, where is that weird chick you are always with?" He said.

"Her name is Bella."

"She is kind of hot, in a very freaky way."

I felt my blood boil. I had the imperative desire to punch him, just by what he had said. I had always been protective of her, but this time my anger was incendiary.

"Watch it Lake! She is like my sister." Emmett quickly said.

"Whatever man." He said as he left.

In that moment I saw Alice, Rosalie and Bella coming in and scanning the room to find us. They finally saw us and started walking towards us. As they got closer I was able to see that my best friend didn't quite look like my best friend. I had been expecting Alice's handiwork, but I was happy to see that she still had her personality showing through.

I knew how stubborn she could be.

When they were close enough for me to really look at her, my immediate thought was that she looked beautiful. This thought scared me since it was the first time I had thought so. Sure, other times before I had noticed that she looked like a girl, cute even.

And then there was that time, looking at her flushed cheeks, her parted lips and her closed eyes when she had been under and around me. That had hit me so hard because of how pure and honest her face looked: like there wasn't anything she was keeping from me, the purest materialization of beauty.

But this time I had instinctively thought that she looked beautiful just like I would think looking at a random girl. Like she wasn't my best friend.

"You clean up well Swan" Said Emmet to her

"You not so much Cullen" She answered using the name she normally used for me.

She had gotten close to me to greet me with a kiss on the cheek and immediately my hand had gone to her hip and pulled her towards me more than what was required. I noticed that touching her was so familiar, but it was not the familiarity that we had shared in our friendship, but another. It was the familiarity with which I would explore her body, the easiness I had holding her in place, embracing her.

I suddenly feared that people would notice. She came to stand next to me, and we talked about trivial stuff, from time to time our arms rubbing, and me, ashamed to admit to myself, that sometimes I'd be provoking such contact.

And just like that she had gone to dance with Rosalie and Alice. She danced well, not showing off, just truly enjoying the music and moving her body to it.

I was enjoying looking at her when I suddenly noticed others enjoying such sight as well. One of them being the one and only Sean Lake. He was pointing her out to some other jocks.

It had really upset me.

No, it was doing more than merely upsetting me.

Their eyes on her, and they made what I had just thought of pure and wonderful something cheap: her movements, the movements I knew so well.

I knew how she reacted to music. I'd love when we'd play and her eyes will close and she would keep playing and moving as if music was really taking possession of her. And then, of course, I had recently experienced the same movements to a different kind of music.

I felt like I knew very well the way her body could sway and rotate, how it would tense and tremble. It was a knowledge that I thought I possessed better than anyone else. And now, with the jocks looking at her I felt like someone was taking that away from me.

I started noticing that my hands were making tense fists. I even thought I heard my knuckles crack.

One of the jocks started walking towards the girls and I couldn't resist it anymore.

I just jumped there and stood behind her while I firmly put my hands on her hips and slid then around to have them lock around her waist. She immediately turned around and I was almost sure she was going to punch me. But she stopped when she looked at me. She relaxed a bit and we danced, my hands never leaving her body.

At first I wasn't sure what I was doing.

Was I just protecting someone I cared about?

Suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks: I wasn't doing this to help out my friend. I was selfishly doing this for me.

I had been claiming her as mine.

What had bothered me so much about the jocks looking at her or Lake making his comments was that they were thinking that way, not about my best friend, but a woman.

A woman I had made mine.

I was betraying our arrangement. I realized that for me, for some primal part, she belonged to me. I was just realizing that when she went to get some water and I stayed there dumfounded trying to figure out what this development would mean.

"Want to dance?" A voice pulled me from my thoughts

A blonde girl was now dancing very close to me. She was cute, but my mind was still trying to process the previous thoughts.

"I think you are good dancer" She said in my ear

"Hmmm… Thank you" I said trying to be polite.

"My name is Ashley"

"Nice to meet you, I'm Edward." Truth to be told I really couldn't care less who she was.

"I know who you are."

"…"

This girl was painfully dull. She kept telling me things but I had tuned her out while I tried to scan the room to know when Bella was coming back. She was taking very long and I had stopped dancing altogether. The Ashley girl kept getting way too close to whisper nonsense in my ear.

I suddenly realized whom else I couldn't see in the room: Lake.

I left the girl alone and started walking around looking for Bella and I could hear the blonde yelling for me. She was not in the kitchen, so I started going around until I was certain that Bella was not in the house. I knew she wouldn't give Lake the time of day, but the fact that I couldn't see him made me worry and urged me to find her. I was feeling the same pang form before, I didn't want one of those boys touching her, and actually, I didn't want anyone touching her.

I didn't want anyone to know her the way I did.

I went outside to the backyard and saw a silhouette behind some bushes. I got the feeling it was her.

"There you are! I've been looking for you everywhere. You know I need to know where you are or Carlisle will be mad." I said trying to be funny and sound normal, though I felt my voice was going to give me away.

"Sorry I'm always your punishment." She said without looking at me. Her tone was cold.

Was she mad at me?

"What is that supposed to mean?" My previous emotions showed through making me sound angry.

"Nothing... Just I'm sorry you always get stuck taking care of me and getting in trouble on my behalf."

I could not believe where this conversation was going.

"That's bullshit…You know what your problem is Bella?"

"No, but please enlighten me Edward"

Yes. It was official, we were fighting.

"Your problem is that all our lives you have thought that I'm this spineless boy that does exactly what you tell him to do. And please spare me the whole crap about what a bad influence you have been on my life" I finally said.

My male ego was visibly hurt.

"I just think that you didn't need the screaming orphan next door, you didn't need to feel the responsibility of taking care of me, of saving me, and god knows that it's not in you to be out and loud..."

How was this not sounding new to me?

"Cut the crap, I may be a little more reserved than you and maybe I am drawn by your colorfulness and personality, but my life has never been about just drifting towards you"

She didn't say a thing for a while, and I started to calm down.

"Who was she? She seemed... nice" She said breaking the silence.

"Who?"

"The girl you were dancing with"

"Ah... Ashley." I said trying hard to remember her name.

"You surely looked like you were having fun."

Was she mad at me for dancing with her?

"She started dancing next to me while you were away"

"She was doing more than dancing next to you, she was telling you things on your ear, all over you"

Was she jealous? The thought almost made me smile

"Is this what I think it is?"

"This is nothing. You can do whatever you want to do with whomever you want to, just don't come to my bed when someone else got you all worked up. I won't be used like that."

That one was a low blow.

I was not proud of what we had been doing or of my newfound realization: that I was enjoying it more than I had expected. Sure, I enjoyed it in the physical way, but this night it had dawned on me that it was not just what I had been doing, but who I had been doing it with.

And now she was telling me that she was some sort of glorified blow-up doll. What kind of scum did she think I was? I was hurt and severely pissed-off.

"Is this what you think of me? I can see now how low I am in your eyes."

I could taste the bitterness in my throat.

"This is just very complicated. I had not foreseen this contingency."

"What contingency?" I said annoyed.

"Feeling... territorial..."

I could see how difficult it had been for her to utter those words. And, and probably quite inappropriately, I wasn't able to suppress a small laugh.

"What's so funny?" She said ticked off.

I had to share with her the epiphany I just had tonight:

"Why do you think I put my hand on your hip when you arrived? And then why I had to come and hold you when you were dancing? I saw how guys were looking at you."

"You didn't like them looking at your little sister that way?"

She was so far from it.

"No Bella..." I said with a sigh. "I didn't like them looking at my woman that way."

There… It was out.


	3. 10 & 11

_**To read the newest chapter (as of Feb. 27th) go to the previous one in the scroll, which is titled "7". **_

_**To read alongside Chapters 10 and 11 of "A rite of passage"**_

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"No Edward…What I need is a pregnancy test, happy?"

I almost had us splattered on the windshield with the force I hit the brakes when she said those words.

Thank goodness for seatbelts.

"Are you kidding me?"

She looked at me like I had two heads.

"Yes I am… Because a fictitious pregnancy scare to get a laugh out of your best friend that you've been sleeping with is so damn funny… Now, let's go get those condoms!" She said caustically.

"Okay, that was a stupid question."

"You think?"

Cars were now honking at me and maneuvering to get by.

"How long have you been suspecting?"

"Just today, when I realized the festival is tonight. I didn't know I was late."

"How late?"

"Well, I've never paid great attention to it, but I'd say over a week."

"Shit."

"Oh shit indeed."

"Not to recriminate… But weren't you on the patch?"

"Yes… Though… I may not have changed it on the right day… a few times… I know how this sounds okay, but you know how oblivious and distracted I am… That's why Esme had me on the patch instead of the pill…"

"Okay, then, CVS it is."

I drove up to the pharmacy in complete shock. This was a curveball that I had not been expecting. I could see her fear and I damned myself for not being careful. It had all been very nice and dandy for me. She was on the patch, she had told me. But then again nothing is infallible in this world, is it?

I parked at the pharmacy and we both got out. We wandered in until we found the aisle we were looking for. I grabbed a couple and started reading.

"Really dude, I don't care which one just let's go, I can't really stomach the comparison shopping.

We grabbed one and went to pay for it. Soon enough we were at home.

Thankfully mom and dad were not in. I suspected they'd be going directly to the festival.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I said.

"I much rather not think about it. I'm just hoping this is just a scare. I can't really think of the possibilities."

"I understand."

To be honest I was freaking out, and I suspected that if it hadn't been Bella the one about to pee in a stick to find out if I had knocked her up, I would be running for the hills.

One fine man I am.

I could see her already clamming up and I wanted to kick myself. I kept feeling I was being left behind.

I so desperately wanted her to talk to me. But she was gone. Sometimes she would just be gone. Her body would be here but her mind some place where I could not reach her. The worst time had been when her parents died. I felt abandoned and terribly sad.

How selfish I was. I just wanted her to be with me. To talk to me.

This time I could feel it physically burning my chest. It almost trumped the fear of what we were just about to find out.

And then I saw her come out of the bathroom holding our future in her hands.

-----

That night Mom went upstairs with Bella while Dad took me to the backyard. He yelled at me for two hours straight. I was actually trying not to smile, since it was so funny and pathetic how I had thought their reaction had been so good, and completely not what I had expected

But this… This made so much more sense.

"Are you smiling? Tell me please if there is a reason to smile because I don't see it. I thought you would at least have been safe. " I didn't think I had see my father this angered before.

"Bella was on the patch."

"And you seriously think that leaving the responsibility of protection to her is a mature idea? For Pete's sake Edward Cullen! And may I remind you that contraceptive methods are not one hundred percent safe? To really be safe you have to take other precautions. And of course all of this of course happened under my roof. I really don't know what else to say to you. You are of course going to face this like a grown up man, you understand me?"

This really offended me.

"You think I'd leave her? She's my best friend!"

"Well, You certainly didn't treat her like your best friend nor like sister either… Listen, I know you care for her, but you should have known better. I really would have expected more of you Edward."

"Wow, you almost had me fooled earlier today."

"Listen to me young man. My first and foremost preoccupation is her.

First of all, despite this having enormous connotations for you, it is going to be infinitely worse for her.

And second, her emotional state worries both your mother and I. I do not need to tell you how delicate it is. After losing Charlie and Renee… This whole situation has different repercussions.

And finally unlike you and your brother she was not ours. Because of a horrible tragedy and an immense vow of confidence from very good friends of ours we got her, and believe me she is my daughter. But we know we are not her biological parents. We have been so blessed to have her and to have her love us. I can feel that she looks at us like her parents, but we are never, ever going to replace the ones that she lost.

Do you think that when she's going through something so difficult as this I'm going to do anything but hold her and tell her it is all going to be okay? You heard her! She acted like she thought we were going to kick her out. You have no idea what it is to fee like you are alone in the world. And that is what goes in that child's head."

"But she is not alone."

"No, of course she is not. But try to convince her of that. That's what we're trying to do. Of course, I know that she made a mistake as well. I know that you are not the only one to blame. And once she's calmer I will talk to her, as I know your mother will too."

He breathed deeply and looked at me, I could see him heat up again.

"Now, you on the other hand are a man and my son and right now I'm just so mad at you that I'm just going to keep yelling at you until I feel better and you are just going to listen to it, okay?"

"Yes dad. I know I let you and mom down. But I really truly care about her. And it was never our intention to get in trouble. I know we thought we had everything under control. But we didn't. And I know that it was purely just stupidity. There is nothing else to call it."

"Okay. I think I've yelled enough and you've listened enough. You are my son and I love you and I will support you. But you are going to have to earn my trust again, and I hope you use this opportunity to show me what kind of man you want to be. Now that you have two people that need you to be there for them."

"I love you dad"

"I love you too son. Now go to sleep."

I went upstairs and realized that Bella and I hadn't even talked about what just had happened. I decided to go to her and talk but as I went through the bathroom I saw her fast asleep next to mom, who was still awake and did not look happy to see me.

"Oh no! You don't even try to come here young man! You go to sleep in your room now. I'll be staying here."

Great, I have part II coming.

--------

Going to school had been awkward, though more for her than for me. I didn't care about the other people there, what I really wanted was to talk.

Was I the only person that thought important for us to talk about our feeling?

About the fact that we were facing this situation without even defining us first?

At least I had held her hand. I wanted her to know that she was not alone but I also wanted to show, to her and everybody else, that she belonged with me.

Our friends looked still shaken at lunch and having all of us there with the clichéd elephant in the room was beyond uncomfortable, until as usual the girls gave orders and we had to follow. I understood that they needed us to go away, as they were about to grill Bella with questions that were too personal and intimate. But I did not want to leave. Why could they talk about a situation that was only mine and hers, when nobody cared that I hadn't had a chance to deal with it myself. I resigned myself and proceeded to deal with another shit storm that was about to hit.

Jasper, Emmett and I walked out the cafeteria in silence and towards one of the fields where no one else could hear us. I knew Emmett was about to have a go at me, I saw his look when we arrived.

"What the fuck were you thinking Edward?!" He said it as he pushed me forcefully on the chest with both hands.

He had caught me a little off guard and I stumbled backwards as Jasper quickly tried to contain him.

I owed him this. I decided to let him take out his anger on me.

"It's okay Jasper" I said.

"How could you?" He came again at me. "How could you take advantage of her?" As he tried to push me again, this time though, my feet were planted firmly on the ground.

"I didn't take advantage of her okay? I deserve you to be furious at me, but I did not take advantage of her. This was something we both wanted and we both did it. And even though I was wrong and I should have known better, it was never my intention to use her."

"But you did." He said pushing me again. That did it. Three times were enough.

"Okay you do not want to push me again!" I yelled at him as I pointed my finger.

Jasper was trying to come in between us.

"Yeah , why? He was getting too close to me.

"Please guys, you can't fight, you are brothers" Said Jasper.

"He's not my brother, not after what he did to my sister!"

"Emmett please!" Jasper yelled.

"You have every right to be mad at me, but you don't know what is going on with us, and frankly it's none of your business."

"It is my business after what you did to her."

"What I did to her? What I did to her is nothing different from what you do to Rosalie, you big hypocrite. I just royally messed up, and should have been more careful."

"So you are telling me you love her then?"

"Well… yeah Emmett. I'm telling you that I love her, and now I'd like to have the chance to tell her that instead of telling you. Happy?"

"Okay… But I can't tell you I'm sorry for being pissed off at you right now."

"I don't expect you to. I would have done the same it if had been someone else. Now, I'm going to go find her."

After leaving them I walked back to the cafeteria to look for her, but instead I saw her at the end of the hallway, looking distraught. I could see she had seen me, but then she just turned towards another hallway, knowing well that I wanted to talk to her. I started calling her name but she was totally ignoring me.

What's wrong with everyone today? Is it 'Bash Edward day'?

----

I could not believe what she was telling me. Was she just going to bail on me?

I was beyond mad, I might be irrevocably in love with her but man, could she be a royal pain the ass.

As we were arguing and I realized I had been doing this a lot lately. Trying to convince her that she was not the evil influence on me. That I wasn't always picking up after her. I got completely fed up. I had been taking everyone's anger, everyone's yelling and I couldn't take it anymore.

So I did something very shitty.

I left her there.

I walked to my car ready to leave, I just wanted to drive aimlessly until all the voices in my head telling me what a complete fuck up I was would go away. I got in the car and put the key in the ignition. But I couldn't turn it.

I started thinking about what she had told me, and then I thought of her when we were together. I thought of those moment when for a few seconds it was impossible to determine if we were friends or we were a couple. I wanted to stay on those instants. But we had had been making such painfully slow progress.

'Letting things come naturally' was the crap I had said.

I couldn't wait for things to come naturally.

Since when are we typical normal people?

We were the kind of people that would just stampede their way into things. We were harsh and even rude a lot of the times. Weren't we so proud of our Hamlet stunt? We lived for the shock.

And right then I decided I would gladly fight her to have her deal with our issues. I needed to make a statement. And that's when I figured it out. She had been so hurt about people signaling her out.

I grabbed a sharpie I kept on the glove box and took off my shirt.

This time I wasn't going to let go.


End file.
